never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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