that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
