man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
