I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
