just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
