I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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