Someone shit on the floor
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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