if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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