so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
