I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
