Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
