Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
