Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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