Kiss
Puke
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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