Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Then you guys just all showered together...?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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