I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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