the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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