My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
