3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
