Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
