can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
