Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
