My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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