he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
