PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
