I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
