they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
