I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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