allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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