I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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