life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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