i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
