I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
