I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
