guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
