Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
