so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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