Quick, to the slutcave!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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