So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
