Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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