I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
