I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize