I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
