I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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