She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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