i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
A+ Viking dick
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
