Im at strip club and am horny
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
