i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
