I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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