soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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