i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
