ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
