Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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