Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
