I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
