If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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